Back story...

The harder I try to make it work . . .

. . . the more "Earl" screws things up! Sure it started well enough, and actually got even better for a short period of time there, I didn't just marry the first guy that came along. Now this post is really out of sequence, so later I'll go back and fill in the rest, for the moment however think of this as foreshadowing. For you Gemini's out there, think of this as getting close to the end before you read the rest.

We are currently down to dealing with the Firm of "That's mine this is yours . . ." [from when Harry met Sally] and my life is getting worse by the moment. "Earl" has run off to live with his Father's (The Duke Brothers from Trading Places) in another State, and taken everything of value with him, leaving me with nothing other than a stack of bills. Mind you I'm still getting his medical bills, I'm being evicted from the townhouse we've lived in for the last six years, and having the truck I bought HIM repossesd.

So his latest thing? Doesn't want to give an inch, or see his involvement in all of this, or the horrible way he and his fathers have treated me, but WANTS what HE wants and wants it now. I've been trying to be civil, to work with him to make this easier, to bend over YET again and what do I get? More unreasonable demands, more inaction, and no chance of even reaching him long enough to get this done and over with. He's making this take longer, and cost more, forcing me to take more drastic steps to protect myself and try to recover from the damage he and his folks have done to me. Why, because he's lost the mind I once fell in love with.

What is a girl to do? I'm trying really, really hard to not to make it ugly, trying NOT to get vicious. I'm going to be forced to sue his parents, drag ALL his family and friends into this mess and make it his worst damn nightmare just to get his attention and take this part of his life seriously. Get him, for the first time in our years together, to take me seriously now that he's done with me.

Had I known how this was going to work out, I'd have dressed like a NY streetwalker and wandered through Central Park late at night. Take it from me, better to get beaten and raped by a total stranger in a dark alley left for dead than be treated the way I have been by "Earl!" Being emotionally invested in a family who spends NINE YEARS lying to you to get you to jump higher and higher, only to have them take your life away from you in this fashion is far, far worse than being beaten and raped.

Years of him telling me that sex had to be on his terms or not at all!? Mind you those times when we managed a compromise of sorts, it was all about his pleasure and then he'd turn over and go to sleep. Try as I may I couldn't find any means of reaching a working compromise, I'm not perfect, and nothing I write here should be construed as a claim to the contrary. However not being perfect last I checked wasn't a capital offense in the United States . . .

Being raped, let alone repeatedly, by someone you're in love with is much, much worse than anything I can think of or have ever experienced. Getting raped by a stranger is easier, the mental, emotional and physical scars heal so much easier. The violation, the pain, the loss of trust and self is the same, yet different because this is someone you know. Someone you gave your heart to, your trust to, your life and soul. To have that violated and abused, to have your heart, mind and body used and thrown away like so much trash is a hideousness you don't ever want to have to live through.

posted by Samantha Shanti @ 2:42 PM